What does it mean for us to be alive?
The show I’m watching now is called Naruto. In the last episode i watched one of the characters mentioned that we all have demons in our hearts, and they come out and thrive upon our sadness manifesting our subconscious thoughts. However if we learn to beat control and face our darkness we can use it to our own advantage and use its power to help us fulfill our dreams and our desires.
I realized i have sort of stopped writing about my own personal life.I think one of my intentions of starting this blog was to understand the many thoughts in my head and to put them down in writing. To share it with the world represents my courage to show the world my true authentic self- the wonderful and amazing and the ugly and dark.
I want to take this page to reflect on my journeys a bit as we are heading into mercury retrograde and a new moon and i feel its a good time to lay out the laundry so to speak.
Today I actually was about to pack up for I will be heading back to America in about a month. But between my packing i realized i dont have much to pack and so i ended up organizing instead.
My physical body has been twisting and turning with both excitement and nerves with all the things i will be letting go of and all the things that will be coming in.
I am realizing more that life is more like a breathing process an inhale and exhale in constant motion and cycle.
For so long I’ve been holding onto dreams and desires for certain things to come true in a specific way that i want it to- but now I see the beauty of letting that go.
Being that I have been trying to day by day become more aware and intuned to myself- i see the universe, the world and the things in it are not against me. Rather they are all opportunities to see myself clearly and to refine myself to a purer form of light and being.
My last relationship was around 3 years ago but i’ve been living like it ended yesterday and so parts of my life are so locked down to the past and how I feel things should have been but aren’t. This has caused me lots of suffering and pain but at the same time it caused me to grow so much at such an accelerated rate.
Right now i picture a small bud in bloom of a white flower and I see that as myself. Slowly I am leaving behind all that i felt should have happened in my life and instead pushing out from the ground and towards the sunlight.
I am pretty sure my last relationship can be labeled a ‘soulmate’ relationship for many reasons which i wont mention, except to say it has triggered me body mind and soul to peal off the layers of myself that don’t serve me anymore. Although there has been this urning this need this want for someway to bring forth what has died back to life, i can finally, like a gasp of air after being underwater, say that I can let it go.
I see the wonders our impact have made upon each others life although separately and away from each other- but they were all positive and good in my own perspective.
I am beginning to see life and its experiences more as opportunities to use however we so desire.
I feel stronger now, more grounded and supported, and more excited to see what I will bring to life. I also see new visions of healing and deeper friendship with those who were once lovers to become joyful friends of my new community in this life.
I know now it is hard to let go, but i also can understand there is always a reason why we are letting go. We let go to let in and we let in to let go- the cycle of the breathe and the cycle of life.
Im seeing the more I can practice the art of trust of joy and of love the more at peace I will be. The more i can reflect and understand and take action when I need to – the smoother the road.
Moral of the story is all that i have experienced, all I am experiencing right now, If i can see it as a friend rather than a foe I am sure I will be able to tread the waters with more ease.
It doesn’t happen only in the classroom.
More has been revealed every since more has been experienced.
Feeling a bit nervous excited right now.
A type of ominous grand opening – but also a wondrous change.
Im picturing a journey…but with fast rivers…flowing down stream, but its passengers are a bit apprehensive
It feels it will be safe but it will be quite a vibrant experience.
Thankfully, there are guides along the way.
A special guest may come…but its unsure – every decision births a different outcome.
Clarity is opening up like grand celestial doors of illuminating light.
Rain is pouring hard here. Feels strange. Like a magic slowly brewing, slowly dancing through the air. I feel it this time.
Using my own advice…I will be dancing with the energy. Let its birth take place in the most sacred and sweet of ways. Sending out a prayer.
So i love writing..i love the fact that i could write something and just publish it …that these thoughts these words, these stories thoughts and energies can be accessed by the world, and whoever wants to see them can.
Its such a wonderful way to connect with each other, and i love connection. What connects you?
Music is such a gift too…its just a powerful tool that is so effective for people to express their emotions, to release whatever is pent up inside and get it out whether its happiness or sadness.
Relief is another thing i love. It feels so good to let go really…some things are hard to let go if we dont want to let them go, but its in our nature to release… we do it everyday… something as much as our breathe… we always let go….and i should mention we receive as well.
Receiving has been something I’ve been struggling with because i lacked the trust in myself to know its safe to receive from my environment….but cultivating trust enables us to receive more.
Trust is the key, at least for me. The more im able to trust myself the more i am able to live in a more fluid state.
Fluid state is one of my favorite things… i get this a lot with music, writing, exercise, and DANCE… i dont dance enough… but i love it… when i dance time slips away and suddenly im in the bliss… its joy, its health… its natural
Nature and Health….two of the most important factors i feel to live life successfully…. Anything from environment to thoughts in our head affects our health and our concept of self… the more we gain and cultivate the confidence in ourselves, more health and natural flow we envelop in our bodies.
What brings you health? what brings you a sense of fluidity.. what reminds you of who you actually are…burried behind the hurts and judgement… who’s there? Better yet who do you want to be there?
Perhaps we don’t have our favorite jobs or twin flam partners…. but what do we have now? what type of material do we have now to work with? The more focus on the joys and parts of our life that brings us to our innate state of complete pure connection with the bigness of ourself will bring to us the pictures we want to see in our lives
Do the little things in your day to make that day yours, and not someones- not our jobs, your acceptance, your expectations… what makes your day the one you want to live in… do those things.
Peace to you
Today my prayer is …
To let go…
With Trust in this world
Understanding of the situation
Confidence in myself and the world around me
and Truth -what is in this moment…
Today I discovered that a man who i dont know well at all…in fact i dont even know his name, passed away.
We call him caballero rubio, he was a blond guy, young, looked healthy.
He worked at a cafe that I go to every Monday and Wednesday morning with my fellow professors.
He served me coffee the first day i started work, and in this cafe hangs a big wide picture of the Manhattan George Washington Bridge….The bridge i use to cross everyday on my way to and back from work in New York City, for over a year.
Seeing that picture that first day of school, felt so comforting, because it was familiar… like New York was there with me as i began my new adventures as an axulliar in Spain.
Today when we went to get our morning coffee, he wasn’t there, and i thought, oh that guy isn’t here today… oh well, hopefully i’ll see him on Wednesday….
Later that day I found out he died of a heart attack… This news was so unexpected, so out of the blue… its like… what? really? …but how when why? how ? …
In this moment… like all moments like these.. we learn how transient life is…. in moments… any moment, we can die… and thats it… the world doesn’t stop… but we die….
I can imagine the feelings of the family, and I send my love and prayers that they pass through this moment with as much support, grace, and understanding they need to find peace in their hearts.
As for him, I’ve never felt closer to his presence until today.
I want to thank him, because he taught me how little time we have on this earth…. for me, when i think about life in this way, my fears, my anger, my resentment, my grudges…melt away like snow on a very sunny day…
Perhaps this understanding can teach me to live, and to think about what types of thoughts and ideas, beliefs and desires, i want in my life…..
I was listening to an alan watts excerpt on youtube and he mentioned a quote by a person i dont remember the name it said..
One of the greatest things you can contemplate….. is that soon you, and every one you know, will be dead
This isn’t meant to be grim, rather, enlightening…literally can make you feel lighter… because knowing this perhaps… we can forgive, let go, understand, trust…move forward, release ourselves from the negativity of worry and fear and resentment… or at least understand…soon it will all be gone….
So what do we want to do with our lives? what do we want to do with our time? what thoughts do we want to be thinking before we go ? what would we like to say or share with our friends ? what would we like to do and how would we like to act ? ……
In my perception it doesn’t mean i need to be perfect…it means i can think about how i want to be…maybe its honest, maybe its assertive, confident, kind…. maybe it is more than one thing….
In the end…. i won’t try to hide if I’m jealous or angry, worried, scared, hurt, lonely, guilty, excited, ashamed, proud…. but i would want to understand it, and then id like to grow from it – and produce something out of it..maybe share it with someone… How do we want to live here? how do we want to sculpt our life while we are humans on earth? How can we trust in ourselves and in this world ? How can we be honest to ourselves ?
Perhaps contemplating our death, will enable us to actually live.
Who do you want to be?
This is a game… no right or wrong answer… just imagine you’re a kid looking in your dress up box finding an outfit to put on… a ballerina, firefighter, doctor, teacher…who are you? what costume are you trying to find in the box?
Its never too late, we are never too old or young…the box is always there waiting for your imagination to dip into the box and try things on for size.
Nothing is permanent.. remember that… we change constantly.. everyday, just like our thoughts, just like our breathe, just like the clouds in the sky, just like the leaves on the trees.
If we dont like the outfit we chose… we can take it off… we can change our outfit… perhaps we are bored of changing, bored of putting on different clothes… no problem… go downstairs, gets something to eat, play outside, talk to your friends… do something else…
then in the betweens of your day, when you are suddenly inspired… run upstairs with all your might back to the attic of make-believe… and pick up that outfit… put it on for size.
What we dont like, or what doesn’t work, we can use as the guidance of what we would prefer…how we would change our next outfit…until we find the one that feels just right… or perhaps there are a variety of ones that work…regardless…nothing was a mistake, nothing was a failure— it all helped us to realize what we want to put on next….
Perhaps life could be as simple as that… perhaps…. If we just follow our feeling like….no this one itches i prefer that one… or no, i want puffier sleeves on my dress, or a different hat and shoes… and we make those changes… we might not feel so stagnant and stuck… in fact… we might actually figure out and trust that when we feel something, and it makes us change something… it might not be because the world is against us and wants us to loose and let go of all we love want and care about…but rather its guiding us to the things that our hearts true want to experience.. perhaps greater joys, fantasies, magic…
Perhaps our feelings are the words and guidance of our hearts (ps. The heart has brain cells…look it up;)
Writing this post made me remember a time when i was little.
My sister and I would play make believe in the basement.
My question… everyday we played was…”sister….what do I be?”
Her response was always something i didn’t want to be like …”you will be the man, or the servant, or the ugly duckling…
My response was always…”NOOO! i want to be the princess! ” or the good fairy or the kind beautiful lady, or the Mom…
Now reflecting on this interaction… i realized some amazing information…. Even as a child, i needed external validation for my wishes and dreams….
Now reflecting back, i always knew who i wanted to be ( the princess, the good fairy…not the father or the evil woman )…. but i always asked sneakily or innocently HOPING that one day, my sister will externally validate, confirm, enable me, allow me, give me the position, the role, the permission, the acceptance… of being who i actually wanted to be….but guess what… that never happened!!
We can bring this back into our real life scenarios ….We actually know what we want !!…. i knew that i wanted to be the princess… but i never forwardly stated it…i wanted to be given it. BUT NO ONE GAVE IT TO ME!….
It is EMPOWERING to know that we do actually know what we want… we just need to be BRAVE and WILLING to admit to what it is we want…who it is we want to be… even if we dont get that external validation for it (especially from those who we love and want support from the most )….
I think ill stop there…but here are some nice priming questions to think about…to trigger our imaginations… and figure out what happens… go along with the first answer that pops into your head as you read the questions… see what kind of picture is created 🙂
Play the Game !
Have you ever asked yourself who do i want to be ? What does he/she look like? what does he/she do ? where do you live? what does you home look like? whats in your bedroom? what do you display in your home that brings your joy? whats the environment like outside when you look out the window? What are you wearing? whats your hair look like? how does your body feel? what are you thinking about? what are you grateful for? What will you do latter that day? who are your friends? What do you do for a living? How do you interact with people everyday? What do you eat in the morning? what do you do at night ?
IM GOING TO BE THE GUINi PIG AND SHOW YOU MY ANSWERS ( NOTE: these are the first answers that came up in my head…they can change as fast as i write them down…AKA…subject to change ! lol )
Have you ever asked yourself who do i want to be ?- actress movie star
What does he/she look like?- she’s beautiful
what does he/she do ? – she plays music sings and acts
where do you live? in a big mansion
what does you home look like?- its soft and beautiful and lots of light
whats in your bedroom?- big black grand piano and big white bed with a canapé
what do you display in your home that brings your joy?- music, instruments, paintings of sacred geometry, curtains, soft candles incense
whats the environment like outside when you look out the window? – big vast green, plants, mountains sky, amazing view, stars, land, growth
What are you wearing?- white long silk nighty beautiful and comfort …its summer
whats your hair look like? Long black, curly beautiful
how does your body feel? – song powerful good connected, pregnant, fierce, peaceful, anticipating, excited, joyful grateful
what are you thinking about?- my house my family my husband, my child, my life, love,connection to earth, my career, my passions, my gratitude for my house
what are you grateful for? – my house husband child body grace bravery friends family environment the earth my car my instruments my career my health my adventures
What will you do latter that day? – go to perform outside visit friends at a bonfire eat and sing and laugh and dance outside around the fire
who are your friends? – awesome great people laughing love to do things have fun enjoy talk dance play music, share stories, perform meet people who write music write books scientists, teachers, leaders, all kinds of people , places, cultures
What do you do for a living? – i knit, i bring people to life with love and music, inspire, write, counsel and heal people, ride on horses, teach dance class, yoga instructor, and tai-chi master !! hahah
How do you interact with people everyday?- kind honest, strait forward, assertive, respect, healthy boundaries, love, i see light in their eyes first, bravery, wholeness
What do you eat in the morning? – cereal and milk…. orange juice and strawberries…chocolate and bread, butter, toast, oranges, bananas, waffles with chocolate HOT, juice, lemon water,
what do you do at night ? – i play, i have fun, go on hikes and adventures, walk on the beach, shop eat dance have fun perform watch concerts, make music, write, watch movies, sit by the fire, pet my cat, love my dog, play with my horse
*** FOOTNOTES: so as i was writing this i started second guessing it and being like…. oh shit i dont want to be pregnant or no i should eat healthier….. and this started interfering with what the little child wanted inside… and the little child wanted to eat chocolate waffles over smoothies, and apparently be pregnant! …so as you are doing this exercise… just let the answers flow out.. have fun with it ! … and REMEMBER— the is just one scenario… there are a billion we can chose..and in every moment we can tweak our lives 🙂
“…the need to express who we are is archetypal; that is both necessary and timeless. And expressing who we are is less about describing ourselves than it is about letting who we are out in a regular rhythm that is an imperative as breathing.
“It is this exchange or flow of who we are- in and out- that keeps us connected to all that is living.
“Just as we must inhale and exhale hundreds of times a day, we must feel and express constantly. When out of balance we suffer….”
“Ultimately, expressing who we are has a physics all its own. More than being understood, it is about not hiding our basic nature.
“Essentially, the life of expression is the ongoing journey of how we heal each other… for by telling our stories and listening to the stories of others, we let out who we are and find ourselves in each other, and find that we are more together than alone.”
~Mark Nepo from The Exquisite Risk: Daring to Live an Authentic Life http://www.mysticmamma.com
http://newparadigmastrology.com/tag/pele-report ( watch this if you are interested in astrology and interested to here some awesome insights of whats happening )
Okay….. so…. The top two things i posted are just things that made me laugh and smile a little…. Its kinds of a culmination of what I’m trying to do myself,and what my intentions were to starting this blog….
It seems its just the time, where we are really realizing the perfection of the cracks in the walls…. the perfection of the chaos and the breakups and the wounds…like i posted in a previous blog… a rumi quote…. “the wound is the place where light enters you”….
This feels kind of like the ‘rise from the ashes… the rise of the Phoenix”…. I feel the birth of new… like any birth it is fresh, its raw, it is weak and vulnerable… it needs time to grow with strength… but also like any birth..any baby or puppy for that matter…it has an advantage. It is fresh… it sees the world without judgment… it is blank it is new….and so it is a beginning a new start to everything….
As i have been paying attention to the signs to my experiences in daily life…im seeing that everywhere i am i am receiving signs. I dont have to be in a meditation under a pyramid in Egypt or under the roots of a grand oak tree…another words…i dont have to be so ‘formal in my prayer”… the awareness and the willingness to receive insight and information, to acquire understanding, and the willingness to remove all blocks that prevent this flow of knowledge of compassion of truth and of perspective…is sufficient enough to receive this information.
Ive been finding that the more open I am to understanding and receiving guidance in my every step and moment… the wider and more expansive my perception and experience is in whatever situation I’m in…. its kind of like … instead of being a part of a war…. I’m only watching it on the movie screen…so yes i feel the emotions and i am engrossed in the film; however, I can chose to press pause and take a breather… or i can still feel safe that i have the option to walk away from the situation because it doesn’t serve me to completely drown myself in this particular experience…
Im realizing yes its wonderful to engage in your truth, go deep and become aware of all that you experience whether it be emotional physical or mental or whatever… but its also important to be aware of the support and tools, the resources you have so you are not overwhelmed or discouraged by the intensity… ( some resources include people, writing, videos, astrology, animals, research, animal messages, music, dancing, pottery, puzzles…. whatever gives you a sense of peace and joy and insight… what supports you? )
Having a more open mind to things… also invites imagination and magic back into our lives… things aren’t so fixed and so there is room for alternative endings to a situation that may otherwise seem so concrete in its outcome…
Today in one of my classes with 15-16 year old students or (4 or secondary in Spain) I was facilitating the class in conversation… and suddenly mid sentence I heard a finite sound like a ‘DINGGGG’ but it was very focused through the air… i stopped mid sentence and automatically asked my kids..”woah.. did you hear that?” and the kinds started to laugh because they were like ‘wtf… my teacher is absolutely crazy! hahha” loll… but i just laughed to myself and said… “yup…there is a lot of work a lot of tweaking and fixing, on so many vibrational levels right now…. and it was awesome that I could be aware of that” ( even if this is ‘un-true’ that is such a fun and exciting way for me to experience that situation)……
Where I’m trying to go with this is…. theres a lot going on… inside and out ( haha get it INsideOut … like the name of by blog 😉 heheh… lol okay…. and yeah… its just like wow.. its kinda all happening…
I think its really important ( at least for me in my space ) that we look within to see what is right and wrong for us in the moment and discover our truth and how it continues to change… I think its also important to allow ourselves to change and not be so fixed in our beliefs and our opinions and our ideas of truth…. i think this makes us more accessible to discovering what or who we actually are… ( perhaps we doing need to tie ourselves to one tittle, perhaps we are change….but also not … maybe both? hmm )
I feel this dark void kind of.. very galactic and almost alien… its like silence before the dawn or like that quote… “its always darkest before the dawn” or something like that…
Theres like this weird balance between opposites but at these same time its kind of like “woa.. whattt…” like space-y…. like slow motion almost…. But theres like a perfection to this weird position of all the planets and the things on this earth…. ( I’m not sure what this is referring too… could be a variety of things… but perhaps it will spark something is someone who figures it out…. who knows…)
But to apply all this practically… to bring all this extra outwardly stuff back to earth… i think its meaning… its here… it being you and what you represent….its an opportunity to express our unique expression of something that feels so precious to us… like a unique flower or song or note….very pure, very raw, very magical, very mysterious, very vast… and from that space of authenticity… we vibrate off into our space around us and touch those that choose to receive such a feeling…. and perhaps inspire one another… ( I’m pretty sure people who really inspire others are those who are working ( in some sense) from their space of authenticity… like Teal Swan, or Michael Jackson, or Buddah, or jesus… etc)
I think from our heart space or the space that is so silently magnificent so purely angelic so un-named…we emit our creations and that is perhaps one way to assist in the transformation and expression of this new space and time… this new moment…word, or way of living.
Ive been doing morning mediations with doreen virtue the last few mornings and I’ve been enjoying it… doing this practice helps me renew and refresh to polish my receivers so I can access with a cleaner filter…Today I was imagining my heart chakra…and I imagined that there was a black tarp upon it ( similar to the covering you put on your outdoor grill ) and ( like said in the mediation ) to clear this space ( that definitely wanted to be opened) I needed to invision the tarp being taken off and the going towards that fountain of light inside my body that is endless and boundless and basically signifies the source of endlessness that i carry ( that we all carry ) in order to burns away (with grace and love) that suppression or that blockage or fear that is representative as the tarp that suffocates this space from optimally functioning.
What I realized was when the tarp came off… there was this extreme flow like gasoline filling a car… like unblocking of a dam and water pouring out….. it was like this burst of energy… and it kind of freaked me out to the point where i realized… i kind of wanted to put the tarp back on because it was really intense! I felt extremely light almost like i could perhaps flight a little above the ground … and that was a very different feeling… so i realized as the day went by, that the tarp was placed there by me… because I’m very afraid of receiving so much energy….. of being so light…. why? ….not sure at the moment….( i have a few ideas…)
I think this is just an example of what is happening to all of us… but as always there are different outcomes and different intentions and different choices that we are all able to make… and so my hopes is that as we all blossom… we work at our own paces and we work from our most genuine spaces and hopefully we can send off from this vantage point our vibrations ( that may manifest in different ways ) to send love and smiles to the faces near by…. In other words.. i think our own space of how we live our life ( which perhaps is through our joy and love and truth ) is what can inspire others to do the same… so I hope we can do that… I think we all have a lot of love to give and a lot of love to be and i have a feeling no matter what we are doing ( writing, teaching, accounting, parenting, experiencing) love enables us to allow love to be the umbrella vibration of it all….
Also as a side note… i just checked doreen virtues Instagram daily report… and the card that showed up was…”love is your purpose in life is to bring love and healing light into this world” … and I have a feeling that is all of our purposes.. definitely a part of mine… but we all have the opportunity to chose how we want to express it… anyways this was more of a denser blog… but i kind of love things like this…may have been confusing but take what you want from it, and thank you for letting me share all my excitement and joy with you…. I feel so wonderful to share it, its so fun.
Until Next Time