November 2014

A Call for Sharing Our Stories with Each Other

Ive been going through a lot of changes and a lot of shifts….one of the major things that have been helping me is to write these blogs….im realizing more and more from myself that it is important to share how i feel and to tell people and to connect with people one way or the other… its so important for me to be honest to be transparent, to be strong, to be confident that my voice, my feelings, my desires have a purpose, have a place, have a significance.
I think this is an aspect all of us humans crave- can we go about it in different ways…like becoming a famous artist, or becoming a doctor, or an influential teacher…. we do it in different ways. One thing I’m realizing more and more ( and have been realizing over time ) is no matter what we change on the outside ( our job, our bank accounts, our relationships, our bodies )…internally we remain with our same ideas, beliefs and thoughts about ourselves. If these beliefs are I’m worthless, i dont deserve love, I’m nothing, I’m in lack, i hate myself….no mater how much we do externally…internally we will not be able to transform…until we begin to be brave enough to look inside ourselves… and see all those beliefs we dont consciously approve of, and all those aspects of ourselves that we suppress or reject…. and learn to understand them, become aware of them, and then figure out now what to do about them. Its like you can’t clean out the basement when there is no light….you need to see whats there to figure out what can be thrown, what should be organized, what should be cleaned up and displayed in your kitchen or your garden…through yourself…
Many times we look at other people and we find traits we either love and admire, or find aspects of them that we immediately reject hate and dismiss. What we dont realize is all the people outside of ourselves are reflections of the aspects within ourselves that either we suppress because we find its not appropriate for us to express or we reject because we find its not appropriate or safe to have or show those aspect of ourselves.
( Just now i got the fear that i was plagiarizing other peoples teachings and ideas..that I’m a phony taking whatever everyone else has taught and re-writing it….for example this came from Teal Swans video Projection found on YouTube ( that i suggest you watch)….. but then i thought…why not reinforce the teachings we learn from others through our own filters while also applying this to our own lives…is that plaigerizing ? or is that dissemination of a message that has touched our hearts, a message that we want to apply to ourselves, and reinforce in our own lives, by writing and sending it out to the world and the people we love…. i guess its all perspective right? ) Im going to go with the second perspective of all this…saying i am not a phony I’m just triggered and inspired to write about this…
Anyways….The more we begin to realize how everyone is a projection of ourselves… we can do a few things. One is that we no longer have to look at the world and universe as against us…rather as a great tool to help us begin to integrate the aspects of ourselves we deny or suppress. We will continue to experience similar situations because those feelings want to be integrated to make us whole again.
( As a side note Ho’oponopono is a Hawaian world that means (to make) (right) in which basically you realize how you are literally connected to the everything you experience in your waking reality, and if you heal and forgive the part of you that created or projected that will heal and create the projection. ) – google it if you are interested… =]
So going back to applying these ideas to my own life…basically as i begin to realize everything is a reflection of me, i realize perhaps there are parts of me that I am not conscious about. There is a great saying, I’m not sure who its by but basically its “ stop trying to clean the reflection in the mirror…” … if you had a spot on your face and you took a napkin to try and clean that spot on your reflected face in the mirror, nothing would change. What you have to do is take the napkin and clean your own face to change the external mirrored reflection…… I think we can use this idea and apply it to our life situations by realizing as we start taking care of our own baggage and self issues, we will clean up the world we see that is reflect from our inside self.
I can say on a more personal level….i moved to a whole new culture and country…yes many things in my external environment have changed, and yes i have changed too!….but a lot of things are still the same, and so i have continued to experience the same things in my reality….. basically this has taught me, that i can run as much as i want from all the things about myself as long as i want, and i can pretend and distract myself as much as want…..but as a result whatever i am running from will aways come back in my reality either through a person or a situation or an experience…whatever it is… and because this makes me feel absolutely crazy and on edge, I’ve made a choice to stop running… ( mind you sometimes…i run…i distract…i say Fxck it…) but at least I’m aware of it all now…and yeah…i dont want to run anymore…I’m sick of experiencing the same things over and over again, and i want to just turn around and walk into the storm will all the support and strength and light and guidance i have, and face it. (the storm represents my fears my anxieties, my suppressed or rejected self, resistance, discomfort )…. Sometimes if I’m shit scared to face crap…i imagine a huge ocean or wave coming up behind me representing strength and guidance, or i imagine angels and fairies or source hugging me holding me glowing within me…. then i feel more prepared to face the subconscious parts of myself…. If your have tried this what helps you? or would you want to try this? why ? or why not?
To sum up this very long and dense expressive piece…..I want to say that i think now is a time that we all really need to get honest with ourselves…realize what we feel think, how we judge label, what we actually feel inside (what our bodies tell us- whether its ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ )… its what we feel right here and right now…and there is nothing wrong or right about it. The more accepting of ourselves we become the easier it is to move through the powerful big transitions we are going through… whether or not we are aware of it. I really hope we are all brave enough to release all the shields we have that prevent us from shining out our powerful selves (these shields can be religion, culture, past, anxiety, fears, self beliefs of limitation ) … i struggle with this too moment to moment, but its hella awesome to know that I’m trying my best to do what i can do to be as true to myself as I can right here and right now.
Finally id also like to leave this by saying, we are all going through a lot of things right now… and we should be kinds to ourselves. I am also someone who has many issues, and we are all kind of like ‘hurt souls’ helping other ‘hurt souls’. but through a different persecutive we can look at each other as searching souls sharing and bouncing off ideas and perspectives that have worked or no longer work for us…. the more we share with each other, the more we expand…and even if we don’t… at least we shared it.
Peace Reflections
Peace Reflections
Much love to you,
Over and out…

The Big Black Boulder

approval and forgiveness:

“its not about approving the action, its about approving the role of that experience in your life” –
Teal Swan
“anything that burns bright, endures burning” – anonymous
Theres something i want to say, but haven’t put my finger on it yet.. like a bigger kind of heaving or dense idea or expression, or conversation….
im realizing things about myself. I feel I carry something special, but i have many filters that block things from coming in, and therefore getting out.
Theres a lot of information out there, and usually when we feel inspired to check something out on the internet or talk to a friend, something sparks and triggers us within…and it spirals outwards.
I realize that i have tendency to feel a lot more, usually in things that cause deep pain or fear or suppression. One thing that helps is to express it so its not cooped up within me. I do this by writing, singing, playing music, going outside, sometimes dancing or listening to music, or by engaging in habits that might be the most ‘healthy’ but cut the pain or the overwhelming feeling if i can’t handle it ( basically a distraction)
I watched a teal swan interview today which was really wonderful. It talked about emotions and feelings and interpretations, things i love listening to. It had a lot of information, but it was really quite triggering in an overall positive and inspirational way.
One thing that stood out more specifically is Teal’s perspective of approval and forgiveness. Teal is extrasensory so she can see vibrations of basically everything. When she looked at the vibration between ‘approval’ and ‘forgiveness’ she realized they were exactly the same. This sparked an ‘Ah!’ moment for her and she shared it in this video.
Sometimes its hard to forgive because we find the situation wrong or unjustified or it just doesn’t make sense to forgive it. For example if a child was murdered or taken…how the hell are we going to forgive that? let alone find approval for it? If something really tragic happened to us and it felt horrible, how can we forgive it or find approval for it? … Teal brings a nice perspective. She says in order to forgive we don’t have to find approval of the action that occurred, “its not about approving the action, its about approving the role of that experience in your life”
For example, I’m realizing that i have the grief that i hold the feeling of separate, abandoned, failed, lost, mistrust…things that that ( haven’t pin-pointed it yet..) and this reflects through my life with relationships and experiences and overall feelings towards life…. but if i take Teal’s perspective, i can find an approval rather than beating myself ups saying…’ be ‘effing happy and grateful and forgive and move and and let go of all the pain and suffering…your so stupid dude, like come on…”- ( you can imagine this does not help healing to occur )…. I look see it as these experiences are telling me something…..these experiences have had a role in my life…theres a reason for them. Now its my decision of what i want to do with that…do i want to continue like this because its ‘beneficial’ or now that i understand it…what resources do i have to now utilize and convert this energy…i get the imagery of a tai-chi guy or magician moving the energy and in and out and creating a healthy flow.
When we can approve of whatever situations have occurred in our lives we in a away forgive it because we understand its role on our life experience. For example Teal Swan experienced massive abuse on all levels for 13 years, and its hard to forgive or approve of that ( i would imagine )…but what helps her move through the emotion, is understanding the roles of those experiences upon who she is now and what she does.
Personally, this perspective helps me to focus less on the negative and more of the benefits of certain experiences. It almost becomes more of a teacher than a huge block that prevents you from moving forward. Im getting a visual of instead of freaking out banging constantly into a big boulder, when we stop and think and become more curious about our situations, we might find that we can go around the boulder and get to the other side.
Overall I feel today that we all have much that we carry. Sometimes i feel so sad that we choose to act in ways that we do. Perhaps though, through this contrast, we will be inspired to seek a new perspective that works for us individually, and find the tool, motivation, and guidance we need to unload the pack we carry with us.
Finally another realization is, life feels grey when we live un-authentically. We feel so un-whole and cut short, defensive, and and un-trusting. I hope that we realize that as we begin to engage in things that bring us so much joy and life- things that makes the clock stop and the magic swarm, that stirs our insides and brightens our outsides, we will begin to see a newer world that is closer to the truth of ourselves.
Love love love, I love writing stuff,
My baby Touw-Shoo when she was a baby :)..Just thinking about her <3 sending you a kiss <3 muwah
My baby Touw-Shoo when she was a baby :)..Just thinking about her. Sending you a big kissy smooch =] 
~InSideOut ~

Theres a Presence of Peace

theres a sturdiness,

a grounding,
a strength
there are roots
and there is great confidence in the centering.
There is presence and great stillness.

It is calm…
almost like in meditation…
there is a resonating vibration..
an Omm feeling….
serenity and presentness.
Nothing in particular…
just it, just is.
NO real reason,
no real calamity…
just is.
an expansiveness,
a reverberation outwards…
a deep solid connection.
a hollowness,
a mutable creation- a chaining form…
like a the morning dew upon a silent lake.
what is it?
where is it?
how or when did it come….
what peaceful work…
what tranquil transition…
what graceful blossom.
What an opening…
hard to believe its me.
what an access.
how global…
so spherical,
eclectically enlightening.
So surrounding,
and unexpected.
What a shift,
what a dream,
what a creation.
Drizzling and light.
free flowing,
falling forward
facing in.
caressing ..
creating chaos,
conducting energy
and carefully.

Blinks~~Stepping into the Sunlight

Hey so i wanted to update on the whole follow your heart follow your gut, follow how your body feels in specific situations…. its been really great for me for a few reasons.

One reason being that you are doing what feels best to you so you feel good doing it

Two being that you feel proud that your are trusting your gut, trusting the voice inside rather than anyone else’s

Three being that you feel powerful and in touch with your own wisdom and guidance you feel it is leading the way… you feel strong and with this strength you feel more confident to share and unite with others

Four is that life flows out more easily. Things happen with least resistance because when you follow what your body wants you to do or what your emotions are telling you, you are working with it and not against it, so there isn’t resistance. Its more downhill.

Ive been applying this and realized i end up working more often than not from inspired action, meaning there is a spark of joy or excitement or fire behind every reason you are doing things, and every decision you make. Its really interesting to see this unfold…

when things dont feel right, i kind of stop and wait until i understand and perhaps get an inspiration to do something else. Its a interesting way to live. Sometimes i dont act on my inspired thought because I’m afraid to do it, or something like that, but hopefully i can work to take the action.

Im feeling that perhaps the more in tunned we are with these things and the more we trust the process, the faster things we want to experience come about. A good practice that I’ve been trying to apply to myself is all the worries and fears and desires in your life, just send it out there give it up and out and trust that its coming back you…because why might it be so bad to get what we want anyways? ……

Things are going overall well, I’m hoping to be able to apply all this even in the work place, we will see…again I’m just working moment to moment so we will see what happens… I want to share a quote i really love by rumi….“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

I think its about time we all look ourselves in the mirror and feel that reality that we all can receive the things we want, we allow ourselves to get what our hearts purely desire. I think its a good opportunity to turn inwards and see all that prevents us from receiving the love and joy and acceptance and reality we want to experience in this life time. why not now right? why not give it a chance? why not try something new for a change? And the things that feel especially hard to release…work with that area and try and to use that to your benefit…use that tangled energy to create something.. allow it to express itself, to be heard and seen, valued and appreciated…. it is all energy ( as Einstein says) we can wield it whatever way feels best to us.

I think its becoming less about fear, more about self trust, less about suppression and about truthful expression, less of obligation more about desire… No more settling, it doesn’t help anyone….

As always I’m so glad to share my thoughts and publish them immediately to the world… its scary at times but it always feels good too.

Lights at the end of the Tunnel

Until next time


Quickies ~

Some Nice insights that came across over time…..

Heavy vs. Light ( emotionally, mentally, all the above)

“When we are lighter, if we fall, no matter how high we are, the impact with the ground will not really affect us” ….watch as a feather falls to the ground… and notice how it dances down with grace. 20/11/2014

When feeling crazy after experiencing a situation what was difficult/challenging/uncomfortable…

“You carry everything with you….. all of it is weighing down upon your back… it slows you down and makes it harder to move…. you carry everything with you…. let it all go…move forward, its over now”

When feeling overcome with a situation, drowned in it almost…. ( if you believe you are more than your body) ….

“more often than not…. when we feel a really difficult situation and so week and powerless and stressed by it….if you believe you are more than your body…use that to your advantage. Imagine your self like a vast ocean… strong powerful, fluid, and moving….VAST… you are big and you are strong…. let your worry slip away from your small and ‘weak’ body.. into the vaster body that is you… the ocean….you will see that you dont have to house all that pain and fear and guilt… you can SHARE The LOAD with the vastness of the ocean……

WHEN YOU ARE BIG LIKE THE OCEAN.. you no longer find your problems and fears to be so overbearing… YOU ARE NO LONGER TOO SMALL FOR THEM… you have the support, resources, and tools to let them go.

“I am doing the best i can do in this moment”

“Im young and alive…. I’m LIVING…please… remove the glasses the lenses of all the identities you carry with you…all the shame guilt and embarrassment….see yourself for once…clear… like a child…. a new”

“Work to Live”

“ask for help, ask for support, ask for what you need, allow yourself to get it….”

“Follow your feelings, your intuition literally knows the right answers… the best one for you…Doing what feels best for you and acting on that cultivates trust with you and yourself…like any relationship…trust makes it better”

“do things that make you feel good about you… music, dance, writing, shopping, socializing, astrology, talking, exercise, cooking, traveling, creating, expressing in your unique form…. ”


Tap into the you as a child….realize and remember how confident and free and connected s/he was….allow her to come out, listen to her talk to her, understand, take care of her, allow her to guide you back to yourself….Watch how the magic Spirals ~~~~



Half and Half… Integrating~ Back

Today while walking home from work i recognized something in me that i haven’t felt in a really long time….positive focus towards myself…. I felt good about myself…on all levels… and I’ve not felt like that purely for about a month.

It felt so good. The sun was shining and i felt accomplished at school, I felt kind of like that “thirty, flirty, and thriving”… imma imma a diva…. Beyonce, bitches watch out kinda pussy cat doll, Nicky Minaj, woman feeling…but with my own personal signature to all that. Ill say it again, i  haven’t felt like that ‘damn I’m awesome’ feeling in quite some time. And its funny because i have a slight shame to feeling so good about myself…i fear it is narcissistic or ‘wrong’ almost ‘sinful’ ( pulling my cultural upbringing and teachings on how women should be soft spoken and quite and concealing of their beauty and body and feelings and desires, and overall confidence and love for themselves )…. but I’m gunna go ahead and write a little something about it….

something I realized while living in Spain is that many women, no matter their age old or young… are not afraid to make themselves look drop dead gorgeous. They are not afraid to wear amazing looking clothes and be so beautiful that people need to take a few looks to appreciate it all….You may think this draws negative attention or causes trouble, and perhaps in some cases that is true… but i have been seeing a new perspective.

Because the women here are so willing to be so beautiful, and to show it, its almost become ‘acceptable’ in society, and so its like a norm… men and women are more of equals than shy to talk to each other, bodies are bodies, and they are just accepted more. Theres a barrier that I’ve experienced myself when talking to the opposite sex, but here its just thinner…there is ease when talking with each other, and not all this pent up hidden tensions….its just a little more raw, a little more transparent in this aspect

Today as i was watching the new “Cinderella” trailer, i thought to myself, i think I was a princess in another life. I just like a lot of things that i dont really like to admitting too like I like attention  as long as its genuine and within my own boundaries, I enjoy feeling absolutely amazing about myself in all sense, and i like my pride to show outwardly. I enjoy being appreciated and loved, but then again who doesn’t? – ill admit, ( to be completely transparent) one ‘hidden’ intent to writing theses blogs is to get people to connect and recognize me as someone who has a voice, someone who’s here, for some attention of some acknowledgment, for people to like me or think of me. Although i feel a little guilty for all this, i also feel good that I’m doing what makes me feel good about myself, and I’m the

I guess my point is today i felt really good about myself… I’m 24, I’m young, healthy, beautiful, attractive, excited, brave, confident, inspired, honest, and willing to reveal all my colors and appreciate all of them equally…. I change everyday, sometimes i can’t feel or sense any of these attributes, and sometimes i sense all this and more… sometimes I’m an absolute reck… but the i guess thats all okay….

I find myself telling myself…its okay, because thats how you feel… stop trying to change things, and just be aware of it all.. is an experience…. being more conscious helps us work from that point of where we are.

Im just really happy i experienced that again…I think sometimes we are so hard on ourselves to be a certain way, or get to a certain state that is almost un-reachable given our current situation, and so we dont accept the way we are the way we feel, and we hate ourselves for it…

im so happy i could be in the vibration to remember, I’m awesome,I’m doing so well in whatever place i am in, I’m trying my best to do what is best for me….. and today i  bought my first pair of paints in Spain which felt kind a good ;)…. sometimes its okay to give into our small desires…. even if they dont seem to ‘fit’ the persona, or the ‘person’ we think we are….

I think its important as women ( and also men ) to be confident in ourselves, and brave enough to ask for and receive what it is we want…

I think when we get hit with some powerful punches in our life, on a variety of levels, we forget that we are still that awesome person, being, soul inside… and we start seeing ourselves with these glasses of judgment and disapproval…its such a relief to take those glasses off, and see yourself without those things… see yourself new…..

Contrast ~ ;)

InsideOut ~

Tapping in and Pouring out

“…the need to express who we are is archetypal; that is both necessary and timeless. And expressing who we are is less about describing ourselves than it is about letting who we are out in a regular rhythm that is an imperative as breathing.
“It is this exchange or flow of who we are- in and out- that keeps us connected to all that is living.
“Just as we must inhale and exhale hundreds of times a day, we must feel and express constantly. When out of balance we suffer….”
“Ultimately, expressing who we are has a physics all its own. More than being understood, it is about not hiding our basic nature.
“Essentially, the life of expression is the ongoing journey of how we heal each other… for by telling our stories and listening to the stories of others, we let out who we are and find ourselves in each other, and find that we are more together than alone.”
~Mark Nepo from The Exquisite Risk: Daring to Live an Authentic Life      ( watch this if you are interested in astrology and interested to here some awesome insights of whats happening )

Okay….. so…. The top two things i posted are just things that made me laugh and smile a little…. Its kinds of a culmination of what I’m trying to do myself,and what my intentions were to starting this blog….

It seems its just the time, where we are really realizing the perfection of the cracks in the walls…. the perfection of the chaos and the breakups and the wounds…like i posted in a previous blog… a rumi quote…. “the wound is the place where light enters you”….

This feels kind of like the ‘rise from the ashes… the rise of the Phoenix”…. I feel the birth of new… like any birth it is fresh, its raw, it is weak and vulnerable… it needs time to grow with strength… but also like any birth..any baby or puppy for that matter…it has an advantage. It is fresh… it sees the world without judgment… it is blank it is new….and so it is a beginning a new start to everything….

As i have been paying attention to the signs to my experiences in daily life…im seeing that everywhere i am i am receiving signs. I dont have to be in a meditation under a pyramid in Egypt or under the roots of a grand oak tree…another words…i dont have to be so ‘formal in my prayer”… the awareness and the willingness to receive insight and information, to acquire understanding, and the willingness to remove all blocks that prevent this flow of knowledge of compassion of truth and of perspective…is sufficient enough to receive this information.

Ive been finding that the more open I am to understanding and receiving guidance in my every step and moment… the wider and more expansive my perception and experience is in whatever situation I’m in…. its kind of like … instead of being a part of a war…. I’m only watching it on the movie screen…so yes i feel the emotions and i am engrossed in the film; however, I can chose to press pause and take a breather… or i can still feel safe that i have the option to walk away from the situation because it doesn’t serve me to completely drown myself in this particular experience…

Im realizing yes its wonderful to engage in your truth, go deep and become aware of all that you experience whether it be emotional physical or mental or whatever… but its also important to be aware of the support and tools, the resources you have so you are not overwhelmed or discouraged by the intensity… ( some resources include people, writing, videos, astrology, animals, research, animal messages, music, dancing, pottery, puzzles…. whatever gives you a sense of peace and joy and insight… what supports you? )

Having a more open mind to things… also invites imagination and magic back into our lives… things aren’t so fixed and so there is room for alternative endings to a situation that may otherwise seem so concrete in its outcome…

Today in one of my classes with  15-16 year old students or (4 or secondary in Spain) I was facilitating the class in conversation… and suddenly mid sentence I heard a finite sound like a ‘DINGGGG’ but it was very focused through the air… i stopped mid sentence and automatically asked my kids..”woah.. did you hear that?” and the kinds started to laugh because they were like ‘wtf… my teacher is absolutely crazy! hahha” loll… but i just laughed to myself and said… “yup…there is a lot of work a lot of tweaking and fixing, on so many vibrational levels right now…. and it was awesome that I could be aware of that” ( even if this is ‘un-true’ that is such a fun and exciting way for me to experience that situation)……

Where I’m trying to go with this is…. theres a lot going on… inside and out ( haha get it INsideOut … like the name of by blog 😉 heheh… lol okay…. and yeah… its just like wow.. its kinda all happening…

I think its really important ( at least for me in my space ) that we look within to see what is right and wrong for us in the moment and discover our truth and how it continues to change… I think its also important to allow ourselves to change and not be so fixed in our beliefs and our opinions and our ideas of truth…. i think this makes us more accessible to discovering what or who we actually are… ( perhaps we doing need to tie ourselves to one tittle, perhaps we are change….but also not … maybe both? hmm )

I feel this dark void kind of.. very galactic and almost alien… its like silence before the dawn or like that quote… “its always darkest before the dawn” or something like that…

Theres like this weird balance between opposites but at these same time its kind of like “woa.. whattt…” like space-y…. like slow motion almost…. But theres like a perfection to this weird position of all the planets and the things on this earth…. ( I’m not sure what this is referring too… could be a variety of things… but perhaps it will spark something is someone who figures it out…. who knows…)

But to apply all this practically… to bring all this extra outwardly stuff back to earth… i think its meaning… its here… it being you and what you represent….its an opportunity to express our unique expression of something that feels so precious to us… like a unique flower or song or note….very pure, very raw, very magical, very mysterious, very vast… and from that space of authenticity… we vibrate off into our space around us and touch those that choose to receive such a feeling…. and perhaps inspire one another… ( I’m pretty sure people who really inspire others are those who are working ( in some sense) from their space of authenticity… like Teal Swan, or Michael Jackson, or Buddah, or jesus… etc)

I think from our heart space or the space that is so silently magnificent so purely angelic so un-named…we emit our creations and that is perhaps one way to assist in the transformation and expression of this new space and time… this new moment…word, or way of living.

Ive been doing morning mediations with doreen virtue the last few mornings and I’ve been enjoying it… doing this practice helps me renew and refresh to polish my receivers so I can access with a cleaner filter…Today I was imagining my heart chakra…and I imagined that there was a black tarp upon it ( similar to the covering you put on your outdoor grill ) and ( like said in the mediation ) to clear this space ( that definitely wanted to be opened) I needed to invision the tarp being taken off and the going towards that fountain of light inside my body that is endless and boundless and basically signifies the source of endlessness that i carry ( that we all carry ) in order to burns away (with grace and love) that suppression or that blockage or fear that is representative as the tarp that suffocates this space from optimally functioning.

What I realized was when the tarp came off… there was this extreme flow like gasoline filling a car… like unblocking of a dam and water pouring out….. it was like this burst of energy… and it kind of freaked me out to the point where i realized… i kind of wanted to put the tarp back on because it was really intense! I felt extremely light almost like i could perhaps flight a little above the ground … and that was a very different feeling… so i realized as the day went by, that the tarp was placed there by me… because I’m very afraid of receiving so much energy….. of being so light…. why? ….not sure at the moment….( i have a few ideas…)

I think this is just an example of what is happening to all of us… but as always there are different outcomes and different intentions and different choices that we are all able to make… and so my hopes is that as we all blossom… we work at our own paces and we work from our most genuine spaces and hopefully we can send off from this vantage point our vibrations ( that may manifest in different ways ) to send love and smiles to the faces near by…. In other words.. i think our own space of how we live our life ( which perhaps is through our joy and love and truth ) is what can inspire others to do the same… so I hope we can do that… I think we all have a lot of love to give and a lot of love to be and i have a feeling no matter what we are doing ( writing, teaching, accounting, parenting, experiencing) love enables us to allow love to be the umbrella vibration of it all….

Express YourSelf- It feels Mmm good 😉

Also as a side note… i just checked doreen virtues Instagram daily report… and the card that showed up was…”love is your purpose in life is to bring love and healing light into this world” … and I have a feeling that is all of our purposes.. definitely a part of mine… but we all have the opportunity to chose how we want to express it… anyways this was more of a denser blog… but i kind of love things like this…may have been confusing but take what you want from it, and thank you for letting me share all my excitement and joy with you…. I feel so wonderful to share it, its so fun.

Okaydokie 😉

Until Next Time



( one more post just cuz i love to write and it feels good to share ideas)

{Its funny how a lot of movement comes from pain…a lot of choosing to change and seeking of healing and bettering life comes from sometimes having no choice but to do that ( like hitting rock bottom)… Im hoping perhaps more of us will chose to be proactive rather than reactive…. and ( as I posted in the previous blog )…as we start becoming more aware of moment to moment, we can listen more to the signs and guidance along the way and consciously chose the path the step the way, the breathe the words that feel  best to us in that moment….and hopefully choose a different path than suffering to spark change and inspiration to become the best we can be every moment..whatever that is… }

Im realizing more and more that if i want things to happen in my life, i need to make them happen, i need to create it, i can’t wait for it, or perhaps i can but i dont want to…. i have so many things I want to do, so many people i want to meet, so many feelings i want to share, so much love i want to spread.. so much love i want to receive from so many different people… when will i do them? when will i believe…”yes this is the time… no wait a little latter… no wait maybe i should do this first before i actually do what i want to do…” why? why wait for that????…. Sometimes i question what or why I’m waiting for things…

Just now I was looking at my facebook page thinking to myself… wow i really like the new vibrations I’m sending off from this page… i like the messages coming off from it… i enjoy it…. I could instead use this space to create hate and anger and mistrust….but I’m choosing to use the space differently… I’m not saying one is better than the other, but i am saying that I’m glad I’m doing what i want to do and not what others want me to do… ( something i continue to practice every moment i am conscious of it…)
There are many things i can do to make me more cool, more attractive to other people, more alluring, more powerful, more what i think other people want to see… but the question is do i want to do this? Does that bring me joy? or is that me trying to get joy from others? …. I want to start now…. and what I’m starting isn’t anything catastrophic or explosive….its rather very soft and kind of smooth, more quite like a whisper…. but this is coming from the inside out…. not the other way around… I think as I send out this vibration, more of that will come back in… the question is am i ready to receive it? This is something i dont know for sure, but I’m ready to try…if not now then when?
I guess my point is I’m ready to try… and what I’m trying is living as truthfully to me as I can… that might mean doing things even i thought were bad or maybe not… the truth is whatever it is.. I want to do it…I call out to get all the support and help and guidance I can during this whole process, moment to moment…Im not shy to ask for help anymore… thank god ! So just taking a deep breathe and trying to listen to the signs and what feels right to me now… and see if that feels right…
Here we go…starting now…moment to moment to moment…
~ ~ ~ >- InsideOut

Becoming the Artist of you

Its interesting when you’ve identified yourself to one thing for so long, and then chose to let that identity go, you begin to feel a little empty. Many of us have identified to being a victim or a lover or to being abandoned and lost. Some of us have identified to being a failure or weak or a bad guy or a bad person. If we do chose to finally let these identities go, we feel like somethings missing, or like everything is missing. We have the urge to go back where its a familiar feeling. Perhaps we try to keep our lives in such a way that makes us remain as the victim or the perpetrator, and then we blame everyone else for making us feel the way we do.

If you read my previous post you will know I recently had to accept the fact that i need to let someone i really care about go. This decision is bringing up a lot of change and a lot of need to reflect and rebuild myself. Today Ive been feeling a little empty. I think its because for so long I’ve been using this now empty space to hold on to and idea, to an identity, to way of life… and now that I’m choosing to let it go, i feel so un-identified.

This is going to sound crazy but it almost felt more comfortable being a victim of love or of a heartbreak, because it was something! A label, it was a form, a definition, a name. Now that I’m choosing to let those identifiers go, I’m left with a blank slate. Kind of like the eye of the storm. You get so use to the chaos that when its calm your kind of like, ‘what now?’

Im kind of in this phase now. Its a weird place to be because i can’t hind behind the fact that I’m waiting for someone to start up my life, i have nothing to hide behind… its just me and whatever else i want to invite in.

Im kind of not sure where to start, so i decided to write. and I’m here writing and it feels good to express the feelings, but i still feel a little confused as to where to go now. Its kind of like Im in this place and there are like 10 million doors. Each door is equal to the other. There is no real right or wrong, any door is equal to the other, because i dont know what is on the other side- everything is equally unknown. I also have the choice to not make any decision and sit in the room and stare at all my options.

Usually what i would do is out of frustration just choose something, or id resort to going back to what is already familiar. But this time, i dont know. I kind of feel i should just try something, like try the different doors, and if i dont like one of them, i close the door behind me and try a different one. But this seems tiering… it doesn’t feel right to me. So whats my next option?

I think for a long time, Ive  been waiting for something, contemplating something…always somewhere other then here. Perhaps what i need to do is re-connect with here. An idea thats popping up is mindfulness which is basically the awareness of everything- from the feeling of typing on the keyboard, your thoughts, your breath, your feelings, you environment, your body – etc… just becoming aware of it all. I think i feel a bit un-rooted and airy ( being a gemini as well ) and a lot of my thoughts and worries have been taking me farther from listening to where I’m trying to be, what I’m trying to do. Im feeling its a good time to reconnect with my body through stretching, dancing ( theres a zumba class tonight but I’m feeling lazy !!… i hope I get off my butt and try it out!) I think i need to kind of go within and be aware of whats outside as well to understand the signs the guidance as to where to go next and decide what I’m wanting to happen in my life now, and do this step by step – poco a poco – like learning to talk- its a process, and it doesn’t happen over night.

so as a side note…

So i’ve been aware of seagulls especially where i live ( by the sea ) there are a lot of them, and they rule the skys and fly over the lands…. I decided just now to look them up and this is a sight i found…. ( the following is copied and pasted from this sight)

Soar in joy.  Soar in freedom.  Feel your power.  You are the seagull!


The seagull knows that freedom is a state of mind and of the heart.  She can teach you to let your heart soar on the wings of freedom and joy, no matter where you are and no matter what you are doing.  She will help lift you out of the sands of worry and petty concerns and into the soaring heights of being one with all that is:  one with the ocean, one with the land, one with the vast and glorious sky.


The seagull will also teach you perspective.  Whenever you care to, she will take you for a ride, up into the sky and across the vast ocean, where you will see that your cares are as small as the grains of sand on the beach.  She will teach you that your power is limitless and unbounded and that all you need to do is stretch out your wings and let life carry you.   


Feel the freedom in your heart.  Smell the salt air as you soar across the vast ocean.  Feel the wind beneath your wings lifting you higher and higher, endlessly higher.  Fill yourself with all of this power, the power to be all that you truly are, fully and freely expressed.  For you are the seagull, and freedom is yours!

After reading this I realized perhaps life has been more of an up hill because I dont really trust it, i really try to control it and try to work my ass off to get what I want. More and more I’m beginning to see, all that is okay, but there always is this feeling there is an easier root… perhaps this root or this path comes from the awareness of your feelings and body as to what works for you and what doesn’t… Perhaps paying more attention to the signs ( for example…. if we feel “this doesn’t feel right” or “i want to do this so bad but i dont think others will accept this )…. and listening to the signs, perhaps the answers or the path will unfold with more grace. If we do things because we think we should, and we find it more difficult perhaps we can start to ask, is this the best way? or is there an easier way? Im going to try and do that, and see where that brings me ( i suppose thats choosing a door right? )…Any other recommendations? whats worked for you when you were in this situation?

For example i know i should go to zumba class today to get my head clear and take action and try to make myself feel good and happy or healthy— but i dont feel like doing that today ! Im tired and want to do that another day…. so I’m not going to go! …. wow that feels kind of really good – i dont feel that guilt or pressure hovering around me… perhaps instead ill eat something light, do some stretches or exercise at home, relax make music or watch a show, and then go to bed! — that feels more “down stream” to me

Perhaps i should take this seagull message advice and let the wind carry me, flow with it and not try to control it, rather work consciously with it to lift me up…perhaps from this perspective i can find some more clarity and begin to see the bigger picture from a different vantage point.

Okay enough talk for today….

I wanted to leave off with this quote by Rumi and I think it can be great in a lot of situations….

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

— thats a different way to look at things…

Until next time


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